What To Do in an Exam If You're Going to Fail
by connor-rox
Summary: Sirius finds a list of 43 things to do in an exam if you're going to fail anyway and he and James are going to do every one.
1. Finding the List

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Or the list of what to do in an exam if you know you're going to fail anyway. **

Finding the List

Sirius Black ran into the common room, very excited.

"Hey James!" the first year screamed to his new best friend.

"What Sirius?" James Potter replied.

"Check out this new list I found. _**WHAT TO DO IN AN EXAM YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL ANYWAYS, SO WHAT'S THE POINT OF TRYING?**_Isn't it cool?"

James scanned the list, "This is brilliant! There are 43 items on this list. We have seven years here. If we do... about six a year we can do them all!"

"So we're doing this?" his best friend asked.

James smiled, "Oh yeah!"

_WHAT TO DO IN AN EXAM YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL ANYWAYS, SO WHAT'S THE POINT OF TRYING? (MAYBE...)_

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, and then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Sing

25. Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..."

34. Start to cry. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #_ moved you, deeply.

35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!" rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. Strike a pose first for added effect.

36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam.

37. If your answers are on a scant Ron sheet, fill it out in pen.

38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.

39. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he she did it.

42. Dress like the professor.

43. Cross-Dress.

44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

**Okay, I'**

**m going to have them do six in each year up to seventh year. I'll have other people join them along the way. I love this list! So REVIEW!**


	2. I've Got the Secret Documents!

**Disclaimer: If you think the fanfiction authors own Harry Potter, you need professional help!**

Remus, Remus, I've Got the Secret Documents!

"Class," started Professor McGonagall, "today we will be taking our quiz on needle transformation. Ms McDonald, will you please pass out the papers?"

As Mary McDonald passed out the quizzes to the Gryiffindor and Hufflepuff first years, James leaned over to Sirius, "You first, Sirius."

"Why me?" Sirius argued.

James sighed, "Because, you seem more like the kind of person to do something like this!"

"Fine," Sirius agreed, "But I don't know an Andre!"

James thought for a moment, "Then say 'Remus, Remus, I've got the secret documents!"

"Okay," Sirius consented.

As Mary dropped the quizzes on Sirius and James' desks, Sirius grabbed his test and stood up.

"REMUS, REMUS, I'VE GOT THE SECRET DOCUMENTS!" Sirius screamed running from the classroom.

As the whole class laughed, Remus looked over at James with a confused look on his face. "James," he said, "Two questions One, why does Sirius want to give me secret documents. And Two, he realizes I'm right here. Right?"

"I'll explain later," James mouthed to Remus.

McGonagall came over to James' desk. "Potter," she said, "Please tell Black you are to be at my office at 6 o'clock tonight."


	3. My Instrustor's A Jerk

**Disclaimer: Just read the one from the last chapter, I think it sums everything up!**

Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

Flitwick had just passed out the charms test on levitation. James read over the exam with a smirk. This was going to be so worth any detention he got.

"Hmmmm," James started, "What is the name of the charm that levitates things? Hmmm. Is it Spinpardenjeviouso? No, thats not it! Predpardiamcheviousa? Nada! Bibideebobideebo? Yep! Thats it! Next question! What..."

"Mr Potter," Flitwick reprimanded, "The class is trying to take a test. Please be quiet!"

"Oh I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking! OMG! The instructor is such a jerk! He goes around pretending he knows what I'm thinking! I wasn't even talking! I bet he's just jealous of my smartitude! Yeah that's it! I bet he's worried he'll get fired and they'll hire me! That would serve him right! Who does he think he is! He's not even four feet tall!"

That struck a nerve. The class stopped laughing and looked at James with horror, afraid of what Flitwick would do. James, however, was still grinning in a bring-it-on way.

"Potter!" Flitwick howled, "Three weeks detention! And a zero! Idiot boy! And, BIBIDEEBOBIDEEBO? This isn't Disney!"


	4. Game Boy

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did Sirius would still be alive.**

_Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level._

James looked down on the list.

"Sirius, what's a game boy?" James asked.

Sirius was confused, "I have no idea."

"Hey Remus," they both screamed at their friend. He came over warily.

"Remus," James asked, "Whats a game boy?"

Remus almost laughed. It was so funny that his two pureblood friends were asking what a game boy was. But where had they heard of it?

When Remus asked them that, Sirius showed him the list. Remus read the list and sighed. It was so like his two best friends to attempt something like that.

"Here," the werewolf said, "I have one. You can borrow it for the potions exam if you want." Both boys faces instantly lite up. They grabbed the game boy from Remus and happily skipped to potions class.

Slughorn passed out the tests on shrinking solution and sat back to enjoy some of the nice crystallized pineapple he had ordered from Honeyducks. Suddenly, he heard a loud beeping noise. He looked for the source of the noise and was not surprised to see James Potter and Sirius Black were the source. What he couldn't figure out was what the strange beeping noise was coming from. They were holding a strange plastic rectangle.

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Black," Slughorn said, "What is that thing?"

Both boys laughed. "Oh Sluggy," Sirius said, "This is a Game Boy. Muggles use it to play games on."

Slughorn cleared his throat, "Well, Mr. Black, we are not muggles and this is a test so I am going to have to ask you and Mr. Potter to put it away."

"But professor, "James replied, "It is essential to passing the test."  
Slughorn was confused, "How?"

Sirius smiled, "its like a brain booster.

Slughorn had no idea what his two students were talking about, but as their professor he had to at least look like he knew what they were talking about.

"Of course boys."

Sirius and James exchanged looks of shock. They didn't expect Slughorn to buy that, but of course that was Slughorn, always wanting to look like he knew everything.

**Okay I know technology doesn't work at Hogwarts but just pretend id does. Okay? :D Review!**


	5. Conflicts With My Religion

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.**

Binns passed out the history of magic test. Sirius and James had decided that since Binns was basically clueless to any disturbance, they would have to do this one because even Binns would notice a test the answers like these

Sirius picked up his pencil, smiled and began to write.

**Who was the leader of the Goblin revolution?**

_I can not answer this because it conflicts with my religion._

**Who was Queen of the Centaurs in the Golden Age?**

_I can not answer this because it conflicts with my musical tastes._

**When was the Battle of Friensly Hollow?**

_I can not answer this because it conflicts with my dietary needs._

**How did Briger the Magnificent win the throne?**

_I can not answer this because it conflicts with my contract on the broom I bought last month._

**What is secreculagy?**

_I can not answer this because it conflicts with my bet with Remus that I don't have to use funny words._

**Who was the prominent wand maker in 1430?**

_I can not answer this because it conflicts with my position as awesomest person at Hogwarts._

**What town was Gryiffindor born in?**

_I can not answer this one because it conflicts with my beliefs about blood ties._

**What year was Hogwarts formed?**

_I can not answer this this because it conflicts with my ballerina practice._

**Name the 12 old family names of wizardry?**

_I can not answer this because it conflicts with the fact I will NEVER let the names over the ancient names pass my lips or quill._

**What caused the Potter-Black feud of 1100?  
**_I can not answer this because it conflicts with my friendship with James._

James picked up his quill and smiled. This was going to be fun!

**1) Who was the leader of the Goblin revolution?**

**I can answer that because it conflicts with my religion**

**2) Who was Queen of the Centaurs in the Golden Age?**

_I can not answer this because if I get it wrong the centaurs could stomp on my face._

**3)When was the Battle of Friensly Hollow?**

_I can not answer this because the name of the battle is stupid. I mean, who would name a place Friensly Hollow._

**4) How did Briger the Magnificent win the throne?**

_I can not answer this no one that vain should win the throne. I mean "the Magnificent" how self-centered!_

**5)What is secreculagy?**

_I can not answer this because I no not use words I can not pronounce._

**6) Who was the prominent wand maker in 1430?**

_I can not answer that because no wand maker should be remembered with Ollivander around!_

**7)What town was Gryiffindor born in?**

_I can not answer this because Gryffindor is not the one to remember for being born there. I was born there, and I'm WAY cooler._

**8)What year was Hogwarts formed?**

_I can not answer this because I never pay attention to the Sorting Hat's song._

**9)Name the 12 old family names of wizardry?**

_I can not answer that because I am a blood-traitor so I never get invited to the parties._

**10)What caused the Potter-Black feud of 1100?**

_I can not answer that because it is the stupidest feud in history and I refuse the acknowledge it!_

` The next day, Binns called James and Sirius to his desk.

"Boys!" the ghost said, having forgotten their names, "What is this?"

Both boys answered in unison, "I can not answer that because it conflicts with the religion!"

**This was my favorite to write. Sorry its so short. REVIEW!**


	6. I've Got To Leave the Country!

**I own nothing! **

_5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off._

The entire first year class was gathered in the greenhouses for their Herbology practical exam. Well, the entire class minus Sirius Black and James Potter.

Professor Sprout was passing out the list of instructions when she noticed this particular fact. "Where are Potter and Black?" she asked Remus Lupin.

Remus adopted an innocent look. "I have no idea where my two best friends are," he said sweetly. That worried Sprout. Potter and Black were surely up to something and she hoped it had nothing to do with her. Alas, she could not have been more wrong. You can't blame her for hoping though.

At that moment the two boys in question ran into the the greenhouse with panicked looks on their faces. Both boys surveyed the room and their faces relaxed.

They ran over to Sprout and Sirius said frantically, "They've found me, I have to leave the country!"

"What..huh..what?" Sprout spluttered, but James and Sirius ignored her.

James ran over to Remus and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Remus, my dear, dear friend," he said solemnly, "You must pretend you never saw me. I couldn't stand if anything bad happened to you. What ever they ask you, DENY EVERYTHING!"

Remus nodded, looking like he was trying not to cry, "Of course James. I'll miss you so much You too, Sirius. Have fun in Prague"

"PRAUGE!" Sprout screamed. Once again she was ignored.

James then ran over to Lily. "Lily, no matter what I will always love you. Remember that!"

"What? Potter!" Lily yelled as Sirius grabbed James' arm and they fled the room.

The whole class just stared at the door they had run out of until Mary McDonald broke the silence, "Well, I always knew they'd be fleeing the country so day. I just never thought it'd be so soon."


	7. Rip Up the Exam

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. :(**

15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min. 

It was finals for the first years and everyone wanted an O for there first grade in Hogwarts. Well, everyone but one James Potter. James hated potions and more importantly hated old Sluggy who seemed to favor James and Sirius. Normally he wouldn't have minded, but Slughorn was completely indifferent to Remus and Peter. James found this unacceptable, especially since Remus was such a better student than the two of them.

As soon as all the students began to write their exams, James stood up on his chair. He proceeded to rip up his exam into microscopic pieces then threw them in the air, screaming, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

The first years smirked, they were used to James and Sirius's exam disruptions and began to anticipated them excitedly.

James then went up to Slughorn's desk and asked him very politely for a new exam. To James's surprise Slughorn gave him another. "Accidents happen, James, my boy." To say James was shocked would be an understatement. Looks like James underestimated Slughorn's liking of him. It infuriated him more because he knew Remus and Peter would not have gotten the same treatment.

Sure enough, 15 minutes James repeated the act and once again Slughorn pretended he didn't know James did it intentionally and gave him another exam.

Finally after doing it two more times Slughorn approached James. "James, it would seem to me that you are doing this intentionally. I would like to ask to refrain from this please."

James looked Slughorn directly in the eyes. He ripped his test in half, threw it in the air and screamed, "Merry Christmas, Professor!" With that he fled the room laughing.

"Thats okay, James!" Sluggy screamed at the open door, "I understand. You didn't have enough time to study! We can reschedule!"

**If you haven't already guessed I hate Slughorn. :) **


	8. Slippers, Bathrobe and Towel

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter. If I did I wouldn't be on fanfiction would I?**

_Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else._

It was the first exam of second year and everyone was ready. Well, almost everyone. The whole class was assembled in the Transfiguration class room. That was the whole class minus one Sirius Black. At first that wasn't really much of a surprise. Sirius wasn't one for punctuality and the class assumed that day would be no different than the rest. Well they assumed wrong.

McGonagall walked in the room and made to close the door, only to have a figure dash threw the door and sit down in the seat next to James's. On closer inspection one could see that it was Sirius Black. However, Sirius was only wearing slippers, a bathrobe, and a towel on his head.

"Black! Whatever are you wearing?" McGonagall asked, wondering what ridiculous thing Sirius would say this time.

"Well, Professor. You see, When we woke up this morning, my roommates decided that I take up too much time in the bathroom. But when you really think about it, I need the extra time. I mean look at my hair... Well not my hair today but usually. Well anyway, my hair is perfection. But even though I know you all think _well he's Sirius Black. He just naturally looks that good. _Alas classmates, my dear professor, it's sadly not true. My good looks take time. And time I did not get this morning. But I guess its not as if they could understand. Anyway, I wanted to make sure I got to your exam on time, because I love you so Minnie. May I call you Minnie? Of course I may. Well Minnie, I threw on the closest robe,seeing as I couldn't find my school one, and rushed right over. So hear I am. Your welcome."

Although McGonagall was used to Sirius's crazy acts, this one was a little shocking. She didn't know what to say except, "DETENTION!"

Sirius smirked, "Minnie, it's not James's fault he doesn't understand my hair needs time. You can't give him detention for that! I mean look at that mess on his head. He obviously doesn't understand proper hair care!"

"DETENTION BLACK!" Minnie and James screamed together.


	9. Sexy Sluggy

**Disclaimer: Do I look like JK Rowling. Don't answer that... Look I don't own Harry Potter ok?**

_Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible._

Slughorn was handing out the potions exam with a little bit of fear. After all, Potter and Black were in this class. He had heard what Black had done to Professor McGonagall and did not want to be a victim. Too bad for him, he didn't really have an option.

Slughorn went back to his desk, grateful that nothing had happened. Then he heard a voice from the class. Potter.

"Hey Sluggy!"

Slughorn winced but ignored James. After all, James was one of his favorite students. "Yes James, my boy?"

"You. Me. Your office after the class?" James said, winking at his teacher.

Slughorn smiled. James merely wanted to spend time with him. Not that he could blame James. He is the best teacher at the school, if he did say so himself. "Of course James. What do you wish to talk about?"

James gave the professor a flirtatious look, ignoring Sirius's laughing, "How to earn an O. Maybe we could do some extra credit together? Think about it, sexy."

_See I do look good in my age. Thank you very much Minivera. _"I'm sure we can think of something, James. Though if you would just study," Slughorn complained, not understanding why the whole class was laughing.

James stood up and walked up to his teacher and forced a flirty look on his disgusted face. "I'm sorry," James flirted, "In class, I'm too busy studying you." James leaned in and kissed his cheek. James grimaced, disgusted.

Slughorn finally understood what was going on. "POTTER! Report to Dumbledore!"

James nodded quickly, "Great, but can I go vomit first?" With that he fled the lab, leaving laughing students in his wake.


	10. Stop Throwing Stuff!

**Disclaimer: I've finally accepted it. Harry Potter will never be mine. Sniffle sniffle sob sob...**

_Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you._

Professor McGonagall was mentally bracing herself before her Transfiguration class. She was giving her quiz on the vanishing spell that afternoon. She had Potter and Black in that class and although she was not one to be afraid of her students (they feared her dammit!), she had heard the rumors of what had happened to Sluggy. Although the way the man treated his favored students, he should have expected that one day one of them would flirt back.

McGonagall jumped as the clock chimed 2 o'clock. Time for class. She strode through the double doors in front of her classroom. After all, it would not do to look afraid of two students.

The Gryfindors were silently taking their exam. To McGonagall's extreme surprise, however, both Potter and Black seemed to be paying attention to the test instead of each other or bothering the class. At first, she thought it was all due to her control over her class. But alas, even she was not a miracle worker

At first, whenever she looked over, all she could see was Potter's head shooting up every few minutes. But McGonagall decided to ignore it. As long as Potter wasn't disturbing the class. But then she started hearing "ow"s. She decided to ignore those too. She hoped he was going to stop. But when she hurt "Shit! WTF!" she knew she had to intervene.

"Mr Potter!" She yelled at her student, of course, making all of her other students look up, ready for the battle sure to ensue. Exactly what she hoped to avoid. "What on earth is going on?"

"Sirius is throwing things at me!" James blamed. McGonagall looked at the boy in question, who was the only one in the class who hadn't looked up when she had started speaking. That got her suspicions up.

"Mr Black!" She yelled, "Stop throwing things at Mr. Potter this instant of you will have detention" Black looked like he was about to protest so she cut him off. "Not another word, Black!"

Sirius glared at both her and Potter before continuing his test. McGonagall looked around at the rest of her class. "Well?" she asked, "What are you all waiting for? Continue!"

A few minutes later, she felt something poke her. She looked up and saw it was a quill. She looked around in the class and could not seem to figure out where it had come from. So she looked down again at her work. A few minutes later, however, she felt it again. This time it was a crumpled up piece of paper. McGonagall uncrummpled it and it read _Padfoot loves Minnie. _

"BLACK!" McGonagall yelled. The class looked up in anticipation again. "What is the meaning of this?" she asked holding out the paper.

Sirius came to the front of the room and took the paper. "'Padfoot loves Minnie.' Why would I write this. No offense Minnie, but you're not exactly my type." He looked up and saw the furious look on her face. "Not that you're not hot!" Sirius said, hurriedly, "Give it a few year and I'd totally do you."

"ONE WEEK DETENTION BLACK!" Minnie yelled at her nervous student.

"But I didn't do it!" protested Black.

"Oh really? Then who did?" McGonagall asked.

"James!" Sirius yelled. James looked up with an innocent 'Who Me?' look on his face.

"TWO WEEK DETENTION BLACK!" Minnie yelled again.

"But..." Sirius started, but McGonagall interrupted. "THREE WEEKS!"

Sirius gave up and sat down, pouting. McGonagall huffed and went back to her desk. She didn't notice the smug look on James' face.

_Haha! That'll teach him to throw stuff at me! Okay so vanishing spells. Easy Peasy. What is...oh look this test is green. Like Lily's eyes. I love Lily! I wonder if she..._


End file.
